I promise I won't mention that Nilsson song-- oh, wait

    And I wanted so badly to plot an ice pick murder. Stick that ice pick right in somebody's coconut. What? I was going to buy the coconut first!
    Some background, or foreshadowing, or some damn thing: every summer and every winter since I moved to this apartment, I've been getting incredibly dehydrated due to having an HVAC system appropriate for an entire house grafted onto a tiny apartment. Since I figured this out (Hey! Only took two years!) and moved the furniture out from under the HVAC vents, things are a lot better. Running a humidifier or two has helped, too, but rehydration has been frustratingly slow.
    Online friends suggested I try coconut water and I did. It's supposed to be the very best thing for rehydration, giving the body (as they say) what it's thirsty for. I don't know if that's true (nor how long it'll be before I hear from Gatorade's lawyers), but I certainly feel wonderful after I drink some. And the cramps in my calves have all but gone away. So I'll take that as an endorsement.
    Which brings us back to the murder plot I was hatching. (Why do they always hatch murder plots? How long do you have to brood over it for it to hatch? Some questions I guess we don't want to know the answers.) When I was small and annoying instead of old and stinky, we used to love it when Daddy would bring home a coconut from the store, because we dug breaking them. But first somebody, probably somebody with better eye-hand co-ordination than me, would take a hammer and ice pick to the coconut, right in the eye!
    We would drain the coconut water. I seem to recall a slight disappointment that it wasn't more wonderful-tasting. So I don't think we exactly had fist fights over who got to drink it. I'm pretty sure it was nearly always me, owing to smallness, annoyingness, and the fact that it wasn't actually very good. But it's funny to find all these centuries later that coconut water is a) a sports drink and b) really, really expensive!
    Therefore, it seemed the part of wisdom to go get a coconut and an ice pick and go to town. But first, being that kind of guy, I looked it up on the Internet and imagine: you can drain a coconut without risking blindness with an ice pick! You can risk blindness from a scissors instead! So I think I'll try it that way. Or maybe just keep buying the stuff in a carton. No husk fibers in the water that way.