Curriculum vitae

See if this has the ring of truth...
I was born on my birthday in the year of my birth at my birthplace.
Early life: I don't remember much about this period. I understand that I pooped a lot.
Education: Attended kindergarten, elementary school, middle school, high school, middle high school, early new high school and trade school. However, the player to be named later in the trade already had a name, so I returned to high school.
Attended college, majoring in Epistemology. My senior paper earned me a summa cum laude degree, but since it proved conclusively the pointlessness of all knowledge, they took my diploma back.
Passed the written Foreign Service Exam. Sat and passed the oral Foreign Service Exam (hence the constant scent of mouthwash)
Employment:
1985-87 Third Secretary, Embassy to Lower Slobovia
1987-89 Second Secretary, Embassy to Fredonia
1989-92 Brought back stateside as Deputy Under Assistant Auxiliary Redundant Emergency-Backup Associate Secretary for Coming Up With New Synonyms For Sidekick
1992-99 Emperor of Zaire. Reason for leaving: Deposed in bloodless coup. Damned vampires.
1999-present Teaching in a one-room schoolhouse. As there are no students, it's a very restful job.
Awards: As I haven't fathered any children, I'm still eligible for a Darwin Award. I'm assured by every woman I meet that I am a shoo-in.