We need to talk about vegan shepherd's pie

    Or, I don't feel like writing the recipe yet, but I think I'll squeeze two blog entries out of it anyway.
    I've mentioned before only a few thousand times that I like combining lentils and organic yellow grits to make somewhat hamburger-like hushpuppies or fritters. So it occurred to me that it would be a hoot to try making shepherd's pie with this as the "meat." So far, this has been quite true. I've made it twice and while neither time was perfect, both were pretty neat.
    A stumbling block is something that I've noticed before, that whatever the directions on the package say, black lentils need more water than red lentils. When I ran out of black, I used red for the second batch, and wound up trying to pan-fry dal. The result would have still been very good except for bad luck. The particular sweet onion that I used that day was hot instead, so while the lentils were fine, the dish wound up tasting a bit like kerosene. (Either that or I put in too much kerosene.)
    OK, to call this a recipe would be romancing, but how I make this is roughly as follows. Cut up a large potato (officially extra-large, according to Publix); throw in a large pan with turmeric, salt, pepper, EV olive oil and just enough filtered water to cover. Put on medium heat.
    In a small saucepan also on medium heat, bring to boil a cup (for red lentils) or a cup and a half (for black lentils) of filtered water. Wash and strain a half cup of the lentil of your choice; when water is boiling, dump lentils in, along with every spice you can think of, or anyway cloves, cumin, ginger, Ceylon cinnamon, allspice and maybe some Tabasco sauce, as well as salt and pepper. The more the merrier; with the vegetables, this thing runs a high risk of ending up bland.
    While that was coming to a boil would have been a good time to put a LOT of water in a large pan. (I use filtered water here, too, but then I live somewhere where they think that they haven't purified the water unless they put ALL the chlorine in it) and put it on medium heat as well. In a steamer insert, put in kale, collards or both (or whatever green leafy floats your boat) two cut-up carrots, okra, a cut-up turnip and really whatever occurs to you. Steam 'em until you get bored.
    About now, your potatoes are probably boiling pretty joyously. Turn them down such that they keep simmering. I find that enough water to cover is too much to make mashed potatoes, so I tend to leave the lid off for long periods; it's worked well so far. Maybe eventually I'll get around to measuring lengths of time and whatnot.
    Oh crap, the lentils! You turned down the lentils, right? Once you have all the spices in, turn down the lentils to medium-low (or 2 on this range) and let them go wild for a half hour. Then add 1/4 cup of organic yellow corn grits. Stir constantly at the same heat for 5 minutes. This is also a good time to turn on the oven at 350 degrees.
    Then is the crazy part. Put parchment paper down in a pan; shovel your lentil/grits mixture in. Flatten it a bit and put in the oven for 20 minutes. Your vegetables should be as steamed as anyone ever needs. Your potato should be mashable. Turn off the former and do the latter with a fork. I also slip in a tiny bit of crushed garlic, bought in a jar from Trader Joe's. It's much too strong, but I persevere. (Explains the tiny amount, though.)
    While your lentil mess is baking, I guess, cut up a sweet onion. Coat a frying pan or skillet with EV olive oil, put frozen mushrooms of whatever quantity you choose and the onion in the pan which you have already put on medium heat, right? Once you hear cracking and popping, however, turn it all the way to low, cover, and let sautee or simmer for ten minutes.
    When your mess comes out of the oven, slash it up into small chunks (size does not matter, just this once, turn your frying pan up to medium and dump the stuff on top of the onions and mushrooms. Cook on one side for four minutes and on the other for three. Meanwhile, jump the oven up to 400 degrees.
    Much to my surprise, I got all this stuff into a 7 X 11 baking pan. I dump the lentils, grits, mushrooms and onions in the pan, followed by the steamed vegetables. I mix it all up. A smart person would then taste the mixture, find it bland and dump Crystal hot sauce on it, but I haven't done this as of yet. Then you put your mashed potatoes on top. Bake for 15 minutes and voila: vegan shepherd's pie. And I didn't say "First catch your vegan shepherd" onc-- oh, dammit.